i'm a liar.

When there are too many unanswered questions. Maybe I'll have to choose to leave it blank.








Maybe I'll need to find it myself. Maybe I've to wait. Or maybe I'll will never know.

















 leave it blank, leave it blank.

it's simple to you, but a nightmare to them.

I don't understand anything about trust. None. None of it exists my life encyclopedia. We build trust starting from our childhood until now. and we keep building it.

"What if, we had built a strong trust, deep down, but it was......... demolished?"

"Can it be rebuilt?" 





I have no answer.

kwn atau bf/gf? mne yg ptot di utme kn an mne yg lbih pnting?
msti lar kwn tp bkn kwn cm ko motherfuckerr!!!!

Philosophy is use as the proof of evidence.

Oh hari ini aku terpaksa hidup kembali. Terpaksa. Aku hidup semula dalam bentuk zombie utk peperangan terakhir. Peperangan ketiga & terakhir, tamat. Kental juga musuh hari ini walaupun aku bertukar jadi zombie tetapi mereka masih liat.Aku gagal menyusun strategi, segalanya berterabur, hilang arah.
Tiada perasaan utk dihamburkan setelah semua selesai.
Kebas.

Gembira tidak.
Sedih tidak.

heishdievii

830
Peperangan kedua.
kalah dalam peperangan.
tiada penjelasan & tiada cerita.






mati.

Exploded brain.

Topographical Model

Freud believed that the majority of what we experience in our lives, the underlying emotions, beliefs, feelings, and impulses are not available to us at a conscious level.  He believed that most of what drives us is buried in our unconscious.  If you remember the Oedipus and Electra Complex, they were both pushed down into the unconscious, out of our awareness due to the extreme anxiety they caused.  While buried there, however, they continue to impact us dramatically according to Freud.

The role of the unconscious is only one part of the model.  Freud also believed that everything we are aware of is stored in our conscious.  Our conscious makes up a very small part of who we are.  In other words, at any given time, we are only aware of a very small part of what makes up our personality; most of what we are is buried and inaccessible.

The final part is the preconscious or subconscious.  This is the part of us that we can access if prompted, but is not in our active conscious.  Its right below the surface, but still buried somewhat unless we search for it.  Information such as our telephone number, some childhood memories, or the name of your best childhood friend is stored in the preconscious.

Because the unconscious is so large, and because we are only aware of the very small conscious at any given time, this theory has been likened to an iceberg, where the vast majority is buried beneath the water's surface.  The water, by the way, would represent everything that we are not aware of, have not experienced, and that has not been integrated into our personalities, referred to as the nonconscious.

 

/lɪŋˈɡwɪstɪks/

630

ada melodi lagu yg tak dapat aku cam. kejap. Mungkin, aku rasa aku biasa dengar.

(rabaraba dalam gelap)
aku: hello?
bonda: Da bgn belum ni?
aku: belum. Malas.
bonda: pukul berapa dah ni, 6.30. bgn bgn.
aku: haa.
bonda: hari ni exam kan? pukul brapa nak bgn?
aku: (diam)
bonda: dahdah, bangun, gud luck. ily.
aku: ilyt.

830

duduk atas kerusi 'special'. Sbb apa istimewa? Sebab aku rasa kerusi aku sorang warna emas, siap dengan meja coklat senget. Apa kes ni? Layan.

840.
mula tarik pensil atas kertas. peluh aku seakan nak keluar. ada kelibat manusia tinjautinjau identiti aku. aku biarkan.Mungkin pertempuram kali ni sengit. aku mula nampak musuh berselinap di celahcelah soalan. ah, ingat aku tak nak nampak kau? aku acu pedang. dia mati. Tapi semakin banyak musuh muncul dalam pelbagai bentuk dan rupa yang mengerunkan serang aku. aku cedera..aku cedera.. aku banyak luka.darah aku mula menerobos keluar dari luka.

mampu ke aku bertahan?

1015

perhati mayatmayat musuh. ada yang masih bernafas! aku tikam jantung mereka. tiap kali darah memercik pada muka, aku lukis garisan lengkung di bibir.Tibatiba muncul ramai lagi daripada belakang. ahh. aku tak mampu bertahan.. perut aku ikut serta dalam peperangan. aduhai, tolonglah bertahan sekejap sayang..


1040
pertempuran hari ini tamat. Tiada perasaan terhambur, semua kebas. Banyak kecederaan kecil & luka yang jelas.







aku mengigil ketakutan.

in between me & quietness.

hujan. panas. redup. hujan. panas. mendung. panas.

&
akhirnya hari peperangan bersama kertas tiba.

selamat berperang.

i need panacea pills.

Khayalan memang sangat indah, tapi kau harus sedar kewujudan pahit realiti.

terbang melangit ikut bunyi siulan burung. Bukankah khayalan tenang?
sekali lagi aku tersedar kaki aku berpijak atas lantai bumi. Oh, aku wujud atas bumi ini.
aku punyai jasad & ia berisi bernyawa. Dan aku penanggung semua, semuanya.











bukan aku tidak percaya dengan manusia lain.
cuma aku belum nampak bukti untuk percaya,
jangan risau mungkin suatu hari

/

oh perang. oh perang. oh perang. oh shit perang.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7???. tujuh hari lagi? ok ok. rileks rileks.
arghhh! x boleh x boleh... tolong tolong tolong tolong.

/

malboro.

\\\

aku selalu terdiam terawang tiap kali aku dengar lagu zipzieller sleeptimeagainrose. aku akan hayati tiaptiap bait lirik. setiap kali itu juga hati aku tersentuh. rabak. hati aku akan berbisik, "indah & dalam maksudnya". alunannya sangat.. sangat.. aku tidak mampu ungkap hanya dengan abjad & ayat. aku pandang keluar tingkap. sayu. pohonpohon, langit & awan seolah faham pandangan mata aku. tiap kali itu juga aku akan tersenyum. umpama ia dinyanyikan dialunankan untuk aku. aku mula lemas bila ia berulang dimainkan lagi. lemas dengan air yang turun dari mata. masih, jari aku gagal untuk tekan butang "berhenti".

/

do mistakes make good people bad?






searching..

//

"is there any value to a love that you have given up on already?"

answer my voice.

devil wears panties.

babi betol. bila aku mau jadi baik ni. \m/ ha-ha. jahat ke?
yes bebeh i'm evil. take note please..

///

There is time when you feel that you just need to head bang.

ha-ha. Just do it. 

2.30 a.m and I'm HUNGRYYY-YYY-Y!

Can head banging reduce my hunger?

oh please.
like banging your head against a brick wall.

\

you always get whatever you want

did you even notice that?

NO.

i'm not.

totally contrasting with you.

your life.

different.

i wish i can be as lucky as you.

so i can smile widely.

you should be thankful with everything you have now.

cause in other part of the world someone may not.

include me in the list.

& be good.

you life will be much much better.

you always have someone to rely on.

you should have seen that.

no,that someone is not me.

if you excluded me.

still you have them.

believe me.

i know.

i've seen so many events of life.

still, i can see you are in the good part of life.

you have them.

 & you have friends that know you well.

you have everything.

everything that is more than enough.

you should be smiling each and every seconds.

you should.